Tuesday, May 21, 2013

The Return

Every setback is minor
Unless you're dead
Check out that depth
My words cut deep, like a deep-cutting thing
This is my attempt at writing free-form poetry
About the events of the last few days
I think it's a bit unreasonable to assume this will go well
That would be crazy
So I've given up already

Here I am, back in the city, feeling at this point like I've never left.  Although, there are new undertones, some of experience and perspective, others of urgency and love.  I now see the city through the filter I'd always wanted to have.  That can only get better over time.  That isn't true, but I hope that it does get better.

I've finally injected myself into the survivor community, and while that's wonderful and I very much needed it, it serves as a flashback to memories that I'd much rather forget.  But I know I can't forget.  I have met wonderful people recently, people who make me feel welcome and understood.  But that "understanding" comes at the cost of gazing into the dark cloud surrounding all of us.

I'm terrified that I've gotten to a point in my life where I'm happier to be "normal" again than I am to pursue the goals I set for myself after my diagnosis.  The desperation I once felt had been fading for a long while, until just now, when I hung out with these fellow survivors who made me remember what it was I promised I'd never forget.  Even writing these posts reflects that -- I don't feel the same vulnerable honesty coming through in my words, and instead there's a natural tendency geared toward avoidance that's doing the rounds in my mind, sweeping aside any painful thought.  But those painful thoughts are necessary to process, for the life that I'm committed to lead.  And right now I'm feeling very uncertain about how my mindset will take shape in the future, and afraid that I'll lose something that's been so important to me, even if that something is very negative.  Should you let go of negativity?  Even if it's a driving force in your life?  I think it's better to incorporate its lessons, and move forward as a more complete person.  And that is my hope for myself.

I wonder if any of this is actually readable.  I'll sum up.  Letting happiness define the future, as opposed to what I'd been doing, is troubling right now.  Because I had forged ahead using certain tools for so long, that were made completely out of the emotions revolving around so much negativity.  And now I have to mingle the two, and hope I can craft an emotional cocktail that plays well with my soul.

If you've had a similar experience, I'd like to hear from you.


  1. This is completely readable. I don't understand your feelings with the same amount of weight, but I can relate in a small way. I have been through these thoughts at a very fast pace. More than once. Every time they come back I feel guilty for choosing normal instead of taking that clarity from understanding the worth of life and making the most of it. Right now I understand that maybe feeling "normal" is just as important. There isn't an answer. I have to accept that.

    1. That's true. The answer is whatever is important and appeals to you. To me, I feel that my grief has been so great a factor in my life, that if I had to feel guilty about it at the same time, I'd be completely crushed. I have to express it.