Affection reveals itself in many forms. Just about as many forms as there are people to reveal it. Likewise, the means with which you choose to declare that affection are equally as numerous, yet exponentially more important (to this story, and hopefully in real life too). You could send flowers to her office - always a fan favorite - or hide chocolate under her pillow (unless you have just met, in which case you should likely go to prison [if not for this, then something else. Because you are creepy]). Now, I like things like this, because I prefer to be creative. And there's nothing more creative than a well thought out surprise that leads to you getting your jollies with the girl from HR. I kid - the girl from HR is cute, but has never set foot inside a library, and that's important; trust me, this is an advice post. Actually, there's nothing more creative than a well thought out surprise that leads to the creation of a certain emotional bond that... well, you know the rest. And anyway, this isn't an inspirational post, it's an advice post.
There's also the direct method. Ask that fool to dinner. Go to a movie. Build a snow fort and eskimo kiss. These are all viable options that are sure to solicit a positive response (she will say yes [unless you are the creepy guy from the first paragraph]). And if you do go to a movie, I know that you will be tempted to do the fake yawn wrap around trick, and maybe even the penis-in-the-popcorn trick. Don't do it. Not only is it unsettling, it's also unsanitary. And never acceptable in a family environment.
Now then, if you're thinking seriously about making a move, remember this solid piece of advice, if you remember anything I've ever told you. There's one form of declaring your intent that trumps all others. One form alone that sends a clear and unmistakable message. One form, that is sure to get you a lifetime pass of holding hands on the Ferris Wheel and sharing chocolate lava cakes after every meal. What is this miracle solution, you might ask me. And if I could hear you, I would say, the single act that can do all this is...
Pushing girls in the mud.
Think about it. When you push a girl in the mud, she knows what's up. If you don't believe me, we'll break the action down and analyze the whole as a summation of its parts.
First, you have to pick her out in a crowd. You have to give her eyes. Eyes that make her swoon. Maybe even do that suave little "what's up" head nod. It's so cool. Then, you have to physically touch a girl to push her in the mud. And everyone knows that physical contact, however seemingly innocent, is a good way to send a message. Just look at all those kung fu movies. You know what happens after that? She gets dirty. This is a metaphor. We all want our girls dirty, and God clearly knew this, so he made pushing them in the mud the ultimate form of declaring your intent.
Now that you've seen the evidence, there's really no denying it. When you were ten, and you didn't know how to express yourself tactfully, pushing girls in the mud was perfectly acceptable. Albeit, they had no idea what you were doing. They would just get mad and run away and you'd get detention (or worse - no recess). But now that everyone is aware of the meaning of this - the sweetest and most considerate of acts - I submit that it should be a more common method of showing affection. I think this could really catch on. At the very least, I would like to see more people soliciting dates under the pretense or the suggestion. As in: "Go to a movie with me or I'll push you in the mud."
Either way, I think we would benefit greatly as a society if we just pushed more girls in the mud.
