Happy Birthday! Tales Of An Aging Cancer Survivor

My birthday is coming up.  It'll be the first birthday I've had since treatment ended.  My birthday, my birthday, my birthday.  I suddenly can't stop saying the words.  Soon, I'll be officially one year older.  Bring on the years, I say.  The looming shadow of untimely death may still follow doggedly at my heels, but it's less and less relevant.  Like an aging pop star, grasping for attention in the tabloids by snorting things and banging things and hanging other things out windows.  Such is the state of my conscious thoughts on the subject of the decay of my physical viscera.

All thugs and chumps must inevitably grow up.  But not all thugs and chumps must like it.  This one does.

Birthdays attract bears.

To be honest, I haven't thought much about it until I was reminded of the approaching date.  And then, I didn't care enough to really process the information until I sat down to write this post.  Now I can't stop myself from feeling elated at the prospect of the number of years I've been on this Earth getting, well, more numerous.  So it is with complete and utter childlike eagerness that I say, more numerous numbers please!  May they grow and grow, until a harvest of numbers shall be laid out in a banquet of the wealth of my years, garnished with the love of those I hold dear.

If Dad tries to eat all of my cake again this year...

Sorry about that last part.  I get all sentimental when I think about not dying and instead spending the time I could have spent dead with the people in my life that I like the best.  It's a simple thing, really.  But often overlooked among the day-to-day.  Most people dread this birthday stuff -- I used to.  I never wanted to make a big deal of it, and I didn't want to remind myself that I was chipping away at my youth, just by standing back and watching the sands filter through.  Age is something we can't control, and getting older is mostly terrifying.  It seems almost like a punishment.  Dealt to us for no apparent reason, and without just cause.  What have we done to deserve these advancing years?  These days, I ask the same question, but with a very different twist.  What have I done to deserve another birthday?

Image credits: Top -- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, by ritchielee via flickr; Middle -- Cleveland Zoo's birthday party, by Yvonne via flickr; Bottom -- murder on birthday 3, by Murat Suyur via deviantART

How Would You Want To Die?

Today I tripped over my total gym while moving to a new exercise and caught myself awkwardly before face planting and spilling my brains on the floor.  Then, after the workout, I slipped in the shower, bouncing on one foot to keep myself from falling (which is something I always do when I slip in the shower that makes next to no sense, because if you slip with the other foot, you have nothing left to save you and will surely die).  I sprayed my new leather shoes this morning, reading on the back of the label that the chemicals "can cause flash fires," and I day dreamed about being swallowed in a cloud of fiery death.

I got to thinking very quickly, in this maze of macabre disaster I call a home, about how I'd actually like to go out.  Having survived cancer already, I have conflicting opinions on the subject.  After surviving a life-threatening tragedy, you don't particularly want to go out in just any lame, regular sort of way.  You want some even more intense option, like drowning after saving everyone you love from a sinking battleship, or fighting off an alien invasion.

Other people are also aware of this fact.  I was crossing the street the other day with my friend Darrell, and when we got into the bus lane he held out his hand and said, "Watch out for buses.  You don't want to be run over by a bus after you lived through cancer."  And I'd say that's pretty accurate.

On the other hand, after surviving a horrible, traumatizing disease, it's easy to want to pick the most mundane way to die possible.  Sometimes I think I want to go out in my sleep, with no pomp or circumstances whatsoever.

"You planning to get up soon?  Nope?  Okay then."

It might be best to do that, and avoid all the messier ways, like sword fights with giants and skydiving snafus.  That way, everyone will have a semblance of closure.  Instead of, "If only he would have spent more time in the gym practicing his melee skills (because everyone knows giants have a resistance to elemental spells)," it would be more like:

"How did he die?"
"Why, in his sleep."
"Oh.  Well that's not very dramatic."
"Why no, not at all."

Something like this might be pretty ideal: *Read, read, read, read, read, read, read, read, DEAD*

So which is it?  After surviving cancer, I kind of get the notion that I won't be able to pick.  The natural progression (or random assertion of unconscious power) of the Universal DJ really doesn't leave any room for requests.  As much as I go back and forth between two extremes, I doubt that anything that has any control over how I go out cares in the least.  It's going to happen the way it does.  It almost did already, in a completely senseless and eye-opening kind of way.

"I'm coming for ya.  You know, eventually."

Whatever it is, I hope that the way I choose to live inspires someone.  Anyone.  And that the manner in which I leave this place is entirely washed away in the memory of what I added to it.

Image credits: Top -- Monster Shower Sign, by derekdavalos via deviantart; Middle -- Horse Sleep, by Ian Webb via flickr; Mid Bottom -- Studying and Sleeping, by mrehan via flickr; Bottom -- Death Rides a Pale Trike, by Marcus Ranum via deviantart

I Used To Smile All The Time

Yesterday, I punched out a smiley face in the big pile of soap in the sink.  Because everything deserves to be happy.  

Recently, my girlfriend told me to smile more.  I was upset about this, because I tend to think I'm one of the happiest and most carefree people in the world.  I have the history of manifesting positivity in the face of great tragedy to prove it.  After I thought about it, however, I began to realize that although I think about the world now in very clear, concise modes, and although having such a clarity of perspective is inexplicably amazing, it doesn't necessarily mean that happiness will automatically follow.

I've been under a dark cloud for a long time, and my goals and my perception have been crystal clear since I was diagnosed.  "I want this, this, and this," I said, as soon as I found out I had cancer.  And I immediately set out to achieve those things.  Some of them were easy, others of them aren't yet fully realized.  I'm still hurting in certain ways after my experience, and the fact that I'm focusing on ways to fix that, instead of complaining and feeling sorry for myself is great, but it doesn't mean that it makes me happy, entirely.  Because happy is an attitude, and I'm working on that.  I still feel like I'm happier than the average bear, especially considering I know for a fact it's worthless to go through life being anything but.  I just think I've been too concerned lately about conditional happiness.  "When I get XYZ, I can finally relax..."  Except that getting to XYZ is a huge journey, full of unforeseen obstacles and circumstances.  And you still have to live your life while you get there.  This is a pretty common attitude, and it manifests itself in several ways:

"When I get that promotion I can finally relax" -- Spoiler alert; it'll never be enough money.

 "When I meet someone who makes me happy, everything will get better," -- Not necessarily; you generally need to be happy with yourself in order to attract someone in the first place.

"When I lose the extra weight, I'll be so much happier," -- I don't know, will you?  You'll still be you.  Be happy now, and lose the weight if you want to, not because you feel pressured to do so.

Conditions, conditions, conditions.  It doesn't matter what level of priority they have in the grand scheme of things, all the way from "I'm unhappy at my job and won't be satisfied until I get a new one," and all the way to, "I'm killing my family financially post-cancer and need a book deal soon or we'll all starve."  Conditions are a matter of perspective, but that's a thought for another time.

So, stop focusing on the conditional.  It'll be great when it comes.  But deal with your life while you have it, in the most fundamentally satisfying way possible.  Because, seriously, what's the alternative?

I Wrote My Will at 26: Part 3, Health and Finance

I felt selfish for writing my letter, and sending it out to close friends I knew would follow through on my wishes.  I only asked that my family be looked after when I was gone.  Most of the guilt came from the fact that I hadn't really been able to look after them myself yet.  My family had always looked after me, and supported me monetarily when the occasion called for it.  After my first year in NYC, I began to gain financial independence.  I worked in project management and brought home a decent salary.  But I was a contracted employee, and eventually my contract ended.  It wasn't long before I was on my own again, with a dwindling savings account in a city that's prohibitively expensive.  I spent a few months toying with the idea of writing for a living, and I even worked on a book project.  The money was going fast, and I was only able to work a few days on another project.  It was at that point I noticed that something was wrong, and a cancer diagnosis promptly followed.  I didn't have much of an opportunity to pick myself back up after that.  It was on to surgery and immunotherapy instead.  I didn't fully know it yet, but my working days would be over for a while.

I wondered if I'd actually done something wrong.  If I'd made a mistake and hadn't prepared to the best of my ability, even though I could never have predicted what happened.  All the same, I began to wonder what I should have had in place at that point, in order to protect myself against unexpected hardship.  To answer that question, I spoke with Bryan Mills, a financial consultant with Investors Capital.

"I'm not made of money, but my clothes are"

"One of the biggest things I always ask someone I speak to is, do you have six months of living expenses in the bank?  Six to twelve of months of real cash.  Whatever your monthly expenses are, you have to be able to cover at least six months."  It's no secret that the average person needs to be saving, in order to cover their bases.  But how do you go about this?  "Write down what's called a T-Chart," says Mills.  "Income on the right side, outflow on the left.  Write down every single expense: food, bills, car, gas, insurance, travel.  Go through line by line and see if there are things you can cut if you need to."

Seems simple enough.  But what about when something serious happens?  What can the average person do to protect themselves in case of an unexpected health crisis?  "Level premium term life insurance is important for everyone to have," says Mills.  "You can usually get it dirt cheap.  The average cost of a funeral today is over $10,000.  A 20-30 year term policy is relatively easy to qualify for and would cover the expense, instead of leaving your family to pay out of pocket."  Age and health are a factor though, and policies will cost you more as you get older.  "Most people think they're safe.  'My company is going to give me all this insurance,' they think.  But what happens if you leave the company?  Most group insurance isn't portable.  Personal insurance is the best way to make sure you're covered.  And it has to be through a company with a superior credit rating, otherwise they might not be able to make good on their obligations in a really bad situation."

What if you're just starting out in life?  And you can't afford a term policy, even though Bryan would argue that a lot of them are very affordable, there are still instances in which any expenditure seems like too much.

"Budget yourself," says Mills.  "Don't spend wildly or erratically.  You can treat yourself, but really be conscious about what you're spending.  There are apps that can help you." 

Apps!  Apps!  Of course!  As a millennial, born into an era of increasing technological dependence, I was very happy to hear that.  In my day-to-day adventuring, I use a host of apps to make life easier, to entertain myself, and to annoy as many people as possible.  And so I figured that being a financial consultant, Bryan would have the skinny on the best gadgets in the financial field.  Turns out, he does.  So what are these magnificent software-laden golden geese?  Bryan gives us the rundown:

Mint.comPersonal Finance App

From the glorious minds behind Mint.com, the app version of the site provides all of your financial needs at the tips of your fingers (or thumbs).  It tracks your spending habits and cash flow, and creates a personalized budget based on your needs.  Just add your banks and credit cards, and watch your custom graphs load up and head deep into the red (oh, that doesn't happen to everyone?). 

Lifehappens.org

Run by the Life and Health Insurance Foundation for Education, a nonprofit that helps people find the insurance that's right for them.  They offer options based on your current needs, providing various calculator and estimator tools to help you figure out what kind of coverage you require.  They have an Iphone app, and a website with resources for consumers and advisers alike.

Retire Logix

This is Bryan's very own app.  "For someone who just started a job or is new to the workforce, it'll help you plan for the future," he explains.  His goal is to get you from here to a healthy retirement, without pushing expensive products down your throat.  The app is completely unbiased, and comes with two categories: "Retire Logix," for those looking to plan for the long-term, and "Student Logix," designed specifically for the academics among us.  Anytime you feel like talking to Bryan in more detail, click on "Consult with Bryan?" and you can dial him up or send him an email.  I personally send him life-sized cardboard cutouts of my face, but he tells me that emails work just as well.  Retire Logix was rated among the top 100 apps of 2011 by Money Magazine.  

It turns out there are options for protecting yourself financially in a crisis.  Granted, it's very difficult to manage, and no one knows this better than myself.  But I'm trying my best to get back on my feet, and if you're looking to do so as well, I hope this information will be of use.  

Image Credits:  Top -- Pumice on 20 dollars, by Robert DuHamel via Wikimedia Commons; Middle -- I'm not made of money, but my clothes are, by Craighton Miller via flickr; Bottom -- I am PRETTY give me MONEY, by dtchn via deviantart

Disclosure: I wrote this article myself, and it expresses my own opinions. I am not receiving compensation for it.  Bryan E. Mills is a financial consultant who offers securities through Investors Capital Corporation.  Member FINRA/SIPC.  800-949-1422.  The views and opinions offered by Bryan Mills in this piece should not be construed as specific investment advice.  You should consult an investment professional regarding your unique situation.