The Sweetest Thing is Also the Dirtiest Thing

Affection reveals itself in many forms. Just about as many forms as there are people to reveal it. Likewise, the means with which you choose to declare that affection are equally as numerous, yet exponentially more important (to this story, and hopefully in real life too). You could send flowers to her office - always a fan favorite - or hide chocolate under her pillow (unless you have just met, in which case you should likely go to prison [if not for this, then something else. Because you are creepy]). Now, I like things like this, because I prefer to be creative. And there's nothing more creative than a well thought out surprise that leads to you getting your jollies with the girl from HR. I kid - the girl from HR is cute, but has never set foot inside a library, and that's important; trust me, this is an advice post. Actually, there's nothing more creative than a well thought out surprise that leads to the creation of a certain emotional bond that... well, you know the rest. And anyway, this isn't an inspirational post, it's an advice post.

There's also the direct method. Ask that fool to dinner. Go to a movie. Build a snow fort and eskimo kiss. These are all viable options that are sure to solicit a positive response (she will say yes [unless you are the creepy guy from the first paragraph]). And if you do go to a movie, I know that you will be tempted to do the fake yawn wrap around trick, and maybe even the penis-in-the-popcorn trick. Don't do it. Not only is it unsettling, it's also unsanitary. And never acceptable in a family environment.

Now then, if you're thinking seriously about making a move, remember this solid piece of advice, if you remember anything I've ever told you. There's one form of declaring your intent that trumps all others. One form alone that sends a clear and unmistakable message. One form, that is sure to get you a lifetime pass of holding hands on the Ferris Wheel and sharing chocolate lava cakes after every meal. What is this miracle solution, you might ask me. And if I could hear you, I would say, the single act that can do all this is...

Pushing girls in the mud.

Think about it. When you push a girl in the mud, she knows what's up. If you don't believe me, we'll break the action down and analyze the whole as a summation of its parts.

First, you have to pick her out in a crowd. You have to give her eyes. Eyes that make her swoon. Maybe even do that suave little "what's up" head nod. It's so cool. Then, you have to physically touch a girl to push her in the mud. And everyone knows that physical contact, however seemingly innocent, is a good way to send a message. Just look at all those kung fu movies. You know what happens after that? She gets dirty. This is a metaphor. We all want our girls dirty, and God clearly knew this, so he made pushing them in the mud the ultimate form of declaring your intent.

Now that you've seen the evidence, there's really no denying it. When you were ten, and you didn't know how to express yourself tactfully, pushing girls in the mud was perfectly acceptable. Albeit, they had no idea what you were doing. They would just get mad and run away and you'd get detention (or worse - no recess). But now that everyone is aware of the meaning of this - the sweetest and most considerate of acts - I submit that it should be a more common method of showing affection. I think this could really catch on. At the very least, I would like to see more people soliciting dates under the pretense or the suggestion. As in: "Go to a movie with me or I'll push you in the mud."

Either way, I think we would benefit greatly as a society if we just pushed more girls in the mud.

Fairy Tale Corner

The following is inspired by actual events.

Once there was a beautiful princess who lived all alone in an ice palace. She didn't particularly want to be alone, but she was just so beautiful that no one ever thought to ask her out. One day, the evil wizard who lived in the neighborhood hatched an evil wizard plan to kidnap and bang her. Hey, the evil wizard was just being honest with himself; he was in the middle of a nasty separation from his fifth wife, and all he wanted was filthy, dirty sex, and lots of it. So he gathered an army of skeleton warriors and told them to sail out to the ice palace in long, viking-style row boats (because they were badass). They surrounded the poor princess, while the evil wizard's dragon began to melt the walls with his fire breath.

When the town's people caught wind of this, they were horrified. Especially the men, because they had all wanted to bang the princess too. And they figured, well if we don't get to, then no one else can either.

There was a brave hero who once lived in town, but had moved to a far away city in search of fame and fortune. The townspeople remembered the strapping young lad, and agreed to send a messenger to plead for his help. The messenger found the hero easily after hearing of his exploits in the city. He began by telling him of the evil wizard and his plan. Wait, said the hero, isn't this wizard the same guy who used to sit up in his crooked tower all night and watch porn? Yep, that's the one, the messenger confirmed. Well no wonder his relationships never worked out, said the hero. I mean, porn is fine and all, but watching it to that extent is clearly unhealthy, no matter how evil you are. But then the hero became dubious of the young girl's beauty. He thought he remembered her from high school. She can't be that great, he remarked. Oh no, said the messenger. She's changed a lot since last ye met. She's grown oh so beautiful, and smart, and sweet as a dove, and lovely as a wistful summer's night. What more can I say? I'm getting an erection just thinking about it, said the messenger.

And so, convinced the quest was a worthy one, the hero set out to return home and see what all the fuss was about. As soon as they neared the ice palace, he caught a glimpse of the princess's woeful face staring desperately from the highest balcony. Immediately, the hero felt butterflies twitting around in his stomach, and his heart careened with delight. Holy shit sticks, said the hero, she's more beautiful than ever. He ran heatedly into battle, and met the skeleton warriors with a ferocious strength they'd never seen in all their undead lives. They faltered when he professed his love for the princess, since they had no hearts of their own, and fled back into the grimy seas. Then he met the dragon in glorious combat, and sent him reeling with a swift kick to the groin. The dragon wasn't having anymore of that shit, and he flew away into the clouds. You see, he'd been trying to have little dragons for some time now, and if he damaged the goods any more, the Mrs. would rip him a new one.

And so it was that the hero saved the princess from the horrendous fate of being groped and manhandled by the creepy evil wizard. The princess decided the hero wasn't so bad looking either, and they made plans to go steady. He picked her an ice flower from the base of the palace - it was kind of a cop out, but he was a little unprepared to find the princess so beautiful - and she leaped into his arms. The cock-blocked evil wizard sadly returned home to his evil wizard tower and resumed his DVR of nuns with buns 4.