Fairy Tale Corner

The following is inspired by actual events.

Once there was a beautiful princess who lived all alone in an ice palace. She didn't particularly want to be alone, but she was just so beautiful that no one ever thought to ask her out. One day, the evil wizard who lived in the neighborhood hatched an evil wizard plan to kidnap and bang her. Hey, the evil wizard was just being honest with himself; he was in the middle of a nasty separation from his fifth wife, and all he wanted was filthy, dirty sex, and lots of it. So he gathered an army of skeleton warriors and told them to sail out to the ice palace in long, viking-style row boats (because they were badass). They surrounded the poor princess, while the evil wizard's dragon began to melt the walls with his fire breath.

When the town's people caught wind of this, they were horrified. Especially the men, because they had all wanted to bang the princess too. And they figured, well if we don't get to, then no one else can either.

There was a brave hero who once lived in town, but had moved to a far away city in search of fame and fortune. The townspeople remembered the strapping young lad, and agreed to send a messenger to plead for his help. The messenger found the hero easily after hearing of his exploits in the city. He began by telling him of the evil wizard and his plan. Wait, said the hero, isn't this wizard the same guy who used to sit up in his crooked tower all night and watch porn? Yep, that's the one, the messenger confirmed. Well no wonder his relationships never worked out, said the hero. I mean, porn is fine and all, but watching it to that extent is clearly unhealthy, no matter how evil you are. But then the hero became dubious of the young girl's beauty. He thought he remembered her from high school. She can't be that great, he remarked. Oh no, said the messenger. She's changed a lot since last ye met. She's grown oh so beautiful, and smart, and sweet as a dove, and lovely as a wistful summer's night. What more can I say? I'm getting an erection just thinking about it, said the messenger.

And so, convinced the quest was a worthy one, the hero set out to return home and see what all the fuss was about. As soon as they neared the ice palace, he caught a glimpse of the princess's woeful face staring desperately from the highest balcony. Immediately, the hero felt butterflies twitting around in his stomach, and his heart careened with delight. Holy shit sticks, said the hero, she's more beautiful than ever. He ran heatedly into battle, and met the skeleton warriors with a ferocious strength they'd never seen in all their undead lives. They faltered when he professed his love for the princess, since they had no hearts of their own, and fled back into the grimy seas. Then he met the dragon in glorious combat, and sent him reeling with a swift kick to the groin. The dragon wasn't having anymore of that shit, and he flew away into the clouds. You see, he'd been trying to have little dragons for some time now, and if he damaged the goods any more, the Mrs. would rip him a new one.

And so it was that the hero saved the princess from the horrendous fate of being groped and manhandled by the creepy evil wizard. The princess decided the hero wasn't so bad looking either, and they made plans to go steady. He picked her an ice flower from the base of the palace - it was kind of a cop out, but he was a little unprepared to find the princess so beautiful - and she leaped into his arms. The cock-blocked evil wizard sadly returned home to his evil wizard tower and resumed his DVR of nuns with buns 4.